Let’s be honest: 2021 could not have gotten here soon enough. Not that we’re not grateful for all the wonderful things we do have in our lives, but come on. Enough already. 2020 was a doozy for everyone. It occurred to me while cramming potato chips (straight from the bag) into my mouth like a ravished animal while in my PJs at 10 a.m. that I may be going quarantine-feral. How are you faring during this pandemic? Here’s a test to check the level of your well being:
Who do you plan on hugging when it’s safe to do so?
1) Maybe family and friends.
2) Family, friends and acquaintances.
3) Family, friends, acquaintances, all babies and children, dogs, cats, raccoons, trees and bikes with cute baskets.
What do you miss most during this pandemic?
2) Spending time with people and going out.
3) Having a reason for my very existence on this God-forsaken doomed planet.
What do your face masks smell like?
1) Clean laundry.
2) A teenager’s gym bag.
3) A combination of monkey butt, hyena butt and cigarette butt.
How are your clothes fitting?
1) Just fine.
2) A bit snug, actually.
3) I now hold the waistbands of my pants together with large safety pins, paper clips, rubber bands and twist ties.
How is your attitude in general?
1) Just fine.
2) I’m trying to be positive though I find some days challenging.
3) I waver between a blue funk of despair and hopelessness, and maniacal giggling at the absurdity of our current lives.
How much has your alcohol consumption increased since March 2020?
1) Not at all.
2) A bit, perhaps a few drinks per week.
3) Sheesh, dats a willy pulsonul qwestchun.
How important is your pet to you right now?
1) About the same as always.
2) I really appreciate having a loving pet around that makes me smile.
3) I would curl up in the fetal position and never unfurl if it weren’t for my sweet, furry bambino.
How do you feel about face masks?
1) They’re a pain, but necessary.
2) I miss seeing people’s smiles.
3) I feel a disconnection from society leading to an ever-increasing disassociation from reality as I know it.
When is the last time you shaved?
2) A couple days ago.
3) Man: Going by my Sasquatch-like beard, seemingly April 2020.
Woman: Going by my Sasquatch-like body hair, seemingly 1997.
When you hear the term “three to six more months of quarantining,” how do you feel?
1) Just fine.
2) Generally sad.
3) Abject despondency. It makes me want to throw my body forcefully on the ground, thrash about and wail like the animal in pain that I am.
Answered mainly 1s:
Congratulations! You are either a happy introvert thriving during quarantining or a person in complete and utter denial. Either way, enjoy your happy place!
Answered mainly 2s:
Congratulations! You’re strikingly well balanced and healthy! This is awesome as you may ultimately be responsible for the fate of mankind as we enter our brave new world of who the heck knows what’s ahead.
Answered mainly 3s:
Hmmm. Times are hitting you hard, you poor bug. Giving you a virtual hug! Take care and just remember 2021 has to be better, right?! Right?! Oh, dear Lord, we hope so!
By Mary Lynn Bruny. Mary Lynn writes on local real estate and home topics. Contact her by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.